That's one reason I write today-I still feel the pressure at times. That urgency to start a family. From myself, as well as from others, but I don't post to this time to defend myself, rather to just explain how I felt and how that has changed.
I am not the same person I was a year ago. I've done a total 360. I am stronger, flexible, and certainly more open to new ideas, concepts, and ways of doing things. I am less critical of myself, as well as the others around me. I try to act more on the spirit when prompted. I accept new challenges. I don't care what others think of me-rather I care how God sees me. The same things that once scared me, don't any more. I know I am capable of doing good, and I try to do my best and just that. Before I was not sure if I could physically or mentally handle such a huge responsibility and calling, now while I have my doubts-I'm confident that I can.
To say the least my perspective, and desires have changed. I've most yearned to be the best person I can be. To learn all that I can, to serve, to love, and to understand. I know that being a parent helps shape us into better people. It helps us become more selfless and gives us more purpose in life. It teaches us a better understanding of how our Heavenly Father views us and how he works. I know that being a mom must be hard. To constantly be woken up by someone who only takes and takes(or at least in the early infant stages where a baby only knows how to cry to communicate) must be not only demanding, but extremely draining.
But yet, I still I look at other women who have that with such awe, and can't fathom of the journey they must have travelled to get where they are. They must have sacrificed so much of not only their time, but of themselves. I want that. It sounds crazy doesn't it? That I want something that requires me to be pushed. Okay-so I don't actually look forward to being restless and tired, but I guess I just have a new understanding of what going through those type of experience brings. And don't get me wrong. Motherhood is not a burden, it's a complete honor and privilege. Children are so rewarding and give back just as much as they take. It's like working out- of course it's hard, but you reap the benefits. Added health, stamina, strength, and even mental wellness from it. I'm realizing that while I CAN change the world, the most important work that I will ever do is within my own home. I long for that kind of purpose in my life.
I'm not jealous, nor would I want to trade my life for the lives of these powerful women that I secretly admire. I love my life. I'm just feeling more and more ready to take that big step, and to posses those attributes for myself. To rather learn from experience, then quietly observe. (Though both are important)
With that being said, that doesn't mean James and I are trying. Being a mother is only one part of the equation, and I don't plan to do this alone. James also, needs to feel ready and secure in such a serious decision. I would never want to force him into something he wasn't prepared for if I could help it. While my appetite is strong, my first responsibility is be a good wife and support my husband.
Which is why we have decided as a couple that school (well part of school/at least getting his associates) and getting out debt/save is two things we personally need to do before that can happen. I know that's not the answer that everyone receives
Sometimes this discourages me because it feels so far away, but I'd like to point out -for my own sake that James and I now:
* Own a house (a very affordable mortgage) It's not the dream house we've always envisioned, but its our home and we can easily make payments.
* Have two cars
* Have two kittens-not that it really matters, but its good practice right??? Cleaning, feeding and taking care of someone else.;)
* James has ALMOST got his associates degree ( which in his field he can get some jobs while working his way up the ladder, and still going to school to get his bachelors. )
* We are now more comfortable with the idea, and can talk about it freely with out feeling tense.
So we are getting there. We, ourselves did a 360 this year.. and are getting closer, much much closer.
Only time will tell. In the meantime, I am learning patience. I'm learning to trust on the Lord. I'm learning that life never really works out the way you plan, but that it's good have a plan. I'm learning that everyone has their own timeline and it's not a race to finish line.I'm learning to be gentle with others regarding the same topic. I'm learning to be content with what I have vs what I want, and while I'm not where I sometimes wish I was I'm grateful that we are slowly progressing. Lastly even though I am not a mother, just the very inclination of wanting to be one has already taught me a great deal.
7 comments:
Although I agree with most of what you've said, I disagree when you say that a child only takes...and maybe because I am a mother, but children give back so much. Don't get me wrong, it's crazy hard to be a mom sometimes, and I respect and admire your goals and knowledge of who you are, but kids DEFINITELY give back. Sometimes it's just a smile or a giggle, but they definitely give back. :)
Thanks for the correction. I guess I should specify. I don't really think a child ONLY takes. When I wrote that I was mostly stating about the beginning stages before a baby doesn't know how to smile, giggle, etc. It only knows how to communicate by crying. So while they DO give so much (even in the beginning stages) it can certainly be hard to distinguish especially to a new mother.
I hope that makes sense. I also want to say, I appreciate you saying that. I enjoy it when mothers enjoy their calling and find it rewarding because it's far to often that I'm find myself being lectured about how hard motherhood can be. That's probably the reason I wrote it the way I did, because that's how its been explained to me. Though, I know they are just trying to prepare me for whats ahead and that's not really what they feel all the time.
Motherhood is a privilege and I think you are spot on when you say children give back because they certainly do.
You will be a great mom Kira :)
I also want to say, I appreciate you saying that. I enjoy it when mothers enjoy their calling and find it rewarding because it's far to often that I'm find myself being lectured about how hard motherhood can be. That's probably the reason "I wrote it the way I did, because that's how its been explained to me. Though, I know they are just trying to prepare me for whats ahead and that's not really what they feel all the time."
I think that (especially in LDS culture) in general, parents feel like they need to defend their choice by over-stating how "wonderful" having a child is, how "perfect" everything is or the baby is, and what a joy it is. All of that is true, but I've found, until recently (and I suspect it's because stay-at-home moms feel they need to defend their "work" that isn't a "career"), there has been little room to state how it really is: it's boring, repetitive, mundane, taxing, day-in-day-out stuff. That needs to be said--especially to those who might waltz into parenting thinking, "This is easy street from now on!"
And yep, even with the mothers coming out on blogs and stating their good and bad experiences with motherhood, I still thought, bored at my desk, answering phones, "It WILL be easy street!" Such is life though, it's what keeps us moving forward. There's just enough good in the moment to keep you from going insane, and then there's the shimmering prospect of the future to keep us moving forward. It's good for us.
And you know what? The worst days at home are better than the best days at the office--why?? Because even on the best days at the office, I still want to come HOME. On those worst days, I AM HOME, which is a comfort and a boon, (the place of those I love) and can be especially so AFTER nap-time or bedtime has come. No commuting to comfort. And if it's a bad day, I GET TO STAY IN MY JAMMIES!! If anyone comes to the door, I can tell them, "Hey! It's a bad day." Jammies excused. It's an emotional, mental, and even physical workout, but it's PROGRESS, it's ENDURANCE, even on the worst days, which makes you a better person (unlike work, which often for me made me a more bored person :). And on the best days...it's the very definition of heaven. You get to touch it, learn from it, and attempt to convince it to linger a little longer. (Read just one more book, just five more minutes in the bath where he squeals and splashes, one more cuddle/song/prayer before bed.)
It is certainly NOT what mothers feel all the time. I think it's much easier to vent on a blog when you've got anger and energy, than when you've just taken a warm bath in heaven on Earth.
(And children give back. But you have to be sure to look for it and respond to it and drink it in. :)
Thanks for the comment. Yes I stand by my previous comment that I have been lectured at how hard motherhood is, but I know there intentions. 1 to possibly prepare me and 2. I think they try to comfort me that I don't have children ... yet. These lectures were in real life however. Not in a post I read somewhere. Most posts that *I* have found are much like this one. They mention the hardships, but they also make note that is a wonderful blessing. Perception on motherhood is very unique and individual and I'm sure mine is likely to change once I become one. I don't think it will be easy street, but I do look forward to those ever so rewarding moments with my family.
Id also like to add that those women who spoke with me in real life, Its easier to understand what they mean and what they intend as it is IN REAL life. They don't need to defend themselves or add extra fluff because they already know that they love their families. I'm not criticizing anyone-just observing.
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