Your own personal best.

For the most I have to say for the last 3 months I've been on cloud 9. When I was pregnant with Olivia I was seriously so sick that I drug myself into a depression and because of my previous miscarriage I was severely anxious the whole time.

As soon as she came out of my body and I saw that tiny little girl. It was like the most detoxifying feeling in the world. It was like all the worries and doubts were flushed out of my blood and my body and I was a new person. I'm serious. I felt hostage when I was pregnant and as soon as she came out, I felt free again. It felt as though my body was clenched super tight and all of the sudden it was in a warm blanket and could finally let loose and relax, and I did.

It was and is amazing to feel like I'm my own again, and those 12 weeks of maternity were blissful. I had a BEAUTIFUL baby girl. Who not only was happy, smiley, ate well, slept well, by I myself was feeling fantastic. I even lost most of my baby weight.

When people asked me to how mother hood was going, I would describe my great joy and how everything was PERFECT.

Even going back to work was great. I went back, and it wasn't as emotional as I thought it was. Its actually kind of a break. I like it. I even found myself being grateful and found the silverlining in the situation. Yes, I wish I could be a stay at home mom-but she didn't have to go to daycare and how many children get the opportunity to get one on one time with BOTH parents ? I am so grateful that Olivia gets to bond with her dad that way, and I never worry about her at work. It's a huge blessing and I'm so happy.

I have to tell you though, I feel a bit guilty. During those 3 months when things were just going along so effortlessly and gracefully. I made a few quick judgements. It was wrong of me. I was shocked at how many times I was told that parenthood was hard, and how many times I had read moms blogging about not getting sleep, and after having a my baby I just couldn't fathom why such words would even be uttered.

It wasn't until this last week when Olivia got somewhat sick, that I realized I just got really really lucky.  Being a mom can be extremely hard, especially if your baby is fussy, or if you're not getting sleep or for whatever else! It's just down right difficult.

I know it's easy to get upset when you haven't done this ever and don't know what to expect. A baby can't talk. They can only cry, and a cry can mean something as simple as a they need to burp or it can mean something serious. It's your job as the mom to figure that part out. So far, I haven't been very good at that. I always assume it's the worst and I cause myself a lot of grief.

It's been a struggle not being able to go out and doing things with friends. It's also been a struggle to get to the gym as much as I want. I just most of the time can't do what I use to.

And now that I am working again, Im waking up BEFORE Olivia to pump, feeding her (so James doesn't have to), getting up, going to the gym (sometimes), going to work, coming home, playing with her, putting her to bed, and then washing and preparing bottles for the next day. While she's a GREAT sleeper,  That's been a issue with going back to work. I am waking up BEFORE her, and going to bed AFTER her. Which leaves me with not as much sleep as I need.

Which kind of down spirals from there. When I'm stressed about if my baby is sick and not getting enough sleep, its pretty easy to get upset and over react.

I know things will settle down especially when she gets feeling better, but I first and foremost have been served a slice of humble pie. Motherhood is THEE best thing in the world. I love it.  In fact it's so much better then I after anticipated (which is saying a lot because I had high expectations), but I can't say its super easy all the time. It's exhausting and I'm spread thin.We all are at some point for different reasons.

We as moms do so much for our children. We give and give and give some more. That's a mothers job nurturing and providing. We just need to do something for ourselves too and remember not to be so hard on ourselves.

At the end of the day though... this is exactly what I wanted. To be a mom, so Ill take it all and do the best that I can. Because that's all we can do. Our best.