Being Sexually Abused

It wasn't until my friend Keira blogged(click the link with the word heart underlined to read her take) about something that hit close to my (HEART) had I ever really thought about posting something like this.

I guess I won't beat around the bush. Ill just come out and say it.  I've was sexually abused as a child by my babysitter. I won't say by whom, or what happened, but I will say that  it was when I was little girl much to young to know what even was going on.  This effected my life tremendously. After that I become a very curious and misguided little girl carrying a dark secret.

The guy told me not to tell my parents, but after years of questions I finally caved and confronted my Mom. She wanted to know where I had learned these things and she seemed almost cross with me. I finally told her what happened and her demeanor changed from being cross to completely shocked to completely heartbroken.  She sat me down and we had a loooong discussion.

That night I remember feeling so empty inside. My Mom had explained that what he did to me was wrong. However, on my own-not any act of my Mothers, I put the pieces of the puzzle together that if I had participated in this sort of activity, *I* was in the wrong too. I told my Mom that I was so sorry, and she said she loved me. I tried to explain how I was guilty of doing something terrible, but she told me I wasn't guilty of anything, but in my heart and in my head I felt I was. I felt that because  I thought about those things, and even talked with my friends about it (mostly because I didn't understand) that *I* was a bad person.  I tried hard to explain it all to to my Mother, but she just didn't grasp what I was trying to say. I cried all night long. The questions I once had, only brought so much more.

After a few glum days, My Mom thought it might help to see my Bishop. Just so he could give me a blessing, and offer some words of guidance. We went there with tears streaming down my face, I told my story. The Bishop blessed me, and I was comforted. I think that day I forgave my offender, but I forgot something very crucial.. I hadn't forgiven myself.

Months passed and I dug deep to forget my past. That was the wrong approach, but it was crucial for my learning journey. I should have faced my problems head on instead of avoiding them, because they followed me FOR YEARS!!!! Teenage years approached and I developed a extremely low self esteem, and almost out of nowhere, I started having anxiety attacks, I cared so incredibly what others thought of me. TOO much in fact.  I became very ocd and starting seeing a therapist. You see, I was still carrying a fallacy with me, *that I wasn't good enough*, and so Id always find weird and odd things about myself to obsess about. This the part of my story that might sound more familiar to most. In 7th grade I would obsess about school work, In 10-12 It was my teeth, and then when I got married to James it was  my weight, I lost 30 lbs, and became frighteningly skinny. I wouldn't say I was anorexic, but I'd say I had a serious eating disorder. I was afraid of food and people, and it wasn't until my body had been completely depleted of its energy, and my mind was equally exhausted that one day in the bathroom stalls I knew I had reached defeat. I couldn't do this anymore. I knew I had a problem and that I had to do something about it.

So I did the only thing that I knew how to, and I prayed.  I cried, and cried and cried. I pleaded and at the end of my prayer, I heard a voice. A real voice, not just a warm feeling, but a voice saying "Things won't always be this way" and I knew it was God and it gave me enough courage to keep living and to keep breathing. I didn't know how things were going to change, but I had hope they would.

After I had finally confronted and admitted I had a problem, it was almost like the next steps came instantly after. I knew that if I didn't want to turn into a anorexic, Id have to start to retrain my body, and to start eating. This was difficult for me. You'd think it would be easy, but it was one of the hardest things I've done to date, I wasn't just training my body to work correctly again, I had to train my mind and that took a lot more work and patience. I finally ditched the scale, and constantly tried to praise myself on my efforts. I stayed close to the Lord, and little by little, I got better. I never had to go to the hospital, I never had to go to a therapist, and no medication. I don't say that to boast or to say that any of those treatments are bad, but simply to say that it was Gods tender mercy and miracle of love towards me.

You see, in scriptures it talks about how Jesus heals the sick and afflicted and for the first time in my life, I realized he had HEALED me. The Atonement took on a much more new meaning and power. I can say confidently that I know who I am, where I am going, and what I stand for. I have a strong identity and while I still from time to time struggle with self doubt, I don't let it over power me like it use to. I haven't found any new weird obsessions, and I am confident that I never will again. I am strong, and lastly I am happy.

I truly am happy and you want to know what? I hardly even remember that it ever happened. It's like it's been washed away from my memory, only if asked do even think about it.

Why do I write this post? Well, because I truly believe that we all have our own crosses to bear, and while we are here to be tested, we are here to learn.Many people suffer from this same problem, or from addiction, or other things. It is my plea to you to please learn from my experience. Don't suffer in silence. If you have a problem, do something about it. Don't avoid or put it off until tomorrow. Do something now. I went years like this, but I know that had I taken the steps to forgive myself properly I could have prevented myself from a lot of heart ache. (but that's okay too, because now I just appreciate all the good so much more) For some it may not be forgiving themselves, it may be forgiving others, but whatever it may be, I promise it is possible.

 It my own testimony that whatever it is we face, we must as Keira so beautifully put it "lean into our fear" and replace it with Faith.  We live in a great time of technology, knowledge and power and God has the means and the resources to sustain you. I promise you.  This I say humbly in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.