Unfinished Business

....I really hate change. I'm sure I've mentioned only a billion times that fact and I'm sorry, but I really do.

I think after my dad died and I was forced to move, change schools, and change pretty much everything  without my consent that it certainly warped my perspective on things. New friends, new ward, new house, new school, new bedroom, new town, new everything, AND then there were things that I no longer had. Like a dad. That's a lot of change..It's like I lived as two different people: Emery County Kira, and Utah County Kira.

Don't get me wrong, I think there's been a lot of positives that come about and  I'm certainly not suggesting that we shouldn't have moved after my dad passed. I've learned and grown a lot. It's help me realize that I can choose happiness in any circumstance, that I can do hard things, and probably most importantly it's strengthened my testimony in the Gospel. I'm so thankful for the promise of families lasting forever and for the comfort and peace that Heavenly Father has given me during hard times.

But you know, I'd be lying if I said it was easy or that I haven't become a bit jaded in the process. I still remember sitting in my  this foreign place that was now my house and just crying, weeping, and sobbing to my Grammi "Life isn't fair!"

It rocked my world to say the least. Shook me up bad and obviously did some damage on my general outlook.

I've been having nightmares lately. Lots of dreams about being trapped, kidnapped, or worse.

A friend helped me realize that I feel pretty powerless in my life and I think she's right.

I'm a lot stronger of a person than I was as my 16 yr old self, but I still cringe on the inside when I'm asked to conform, or transition into a different setting.

I just want to feel safe! I don't like being thrown into the tides and being thrashed from one wave to the next. I know I won't drown (i'm a fighter), but it's exhausting.

I haven't always known how to cope and haven't always done so in healthy ways. Maybe I still dont.

One way I've managed to do that is to live my life consistently as I possibly can. To have things to depend on, to rely on. Things that I CAN control.  To have a schedule, to plan, and most importantly to prepare.

Pregnancy was extremely hard for me. I was sick and terrified almost the entire 9 months. I was so so so afraid. I had no idea what to expect and automatically assumed the very worst.

Thankfully Olivia was the best baby ever! But I'm in another phase in my life where my security feels breached again.My job is constantly changing it's policies, its departments, it's roles,  and sadly it's commission structure.. It effects my pay and my sanity. My husband's job hours changes every 4 months, and my now toddler is wanting more and more independance. *cries*

I think having these changes would be hard for ANYONE in my position, but add my complex to change.... and Viola! You get nightmares and anxiety attacks. *hides in a corner*

Sometimes I wish that I could just change my circumstances, but that wouldn't really be solving the problem and I know better then to run away.

The problem is, I need to accept and welcome change.

I really want to learn to be more flexible and adaptable. In many many ways I have, but as you can see it still haunts me.

I'm okay... I am, but I want to be better. I MUST be better. I can't keep living like this. I must take care of myself. I will.

I can do it!