One comment that I heard a lot was "having a child was the most spiritual experience I have ever had." I don't know if it was just how they worded it, or how I interpreted what they really meant, but that wasn't exactly the case for me. When Olivia was born--It was beautiful, sweet, tender, and yes I guess you could call it a spiritual experience. It was certainly special. I loved it.
It was the single best moment of my entire adulthood up to that point.
That being said, I don't know if going to the hospital and the whole birthing process was the MOST spiritual process........ even with a lot preparation.
I had a pretty smooth, natural(ish), easy labor. One of which I took classes for. It wasn't like I was screaming in agony or anything like the movies. I was calm,relaxed and in pretty good control. The spirit could and did reside within my heart but I'm not going to lie, I've certainly felt the spirit stronger then in that very moment.
That being said I'm realizing now that at least for me-becoming a parent has been one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had. Wait what? A contradictory in terms right? Didn't I just say it wasn't? It's hard to put to words, but I'm going to try...
It's different from how I visioned when they would say it's the most spiritual experience. My first misunderstanding was the word-experience. Singular. Not plural.
For me, it wasn't the very first day that I became pregnant or even the day she was born, but rather the string of days that are laced together over a series of moments, trials, blessings, and events.
My second misunderstanding was by the word spiritual. There haven't been angels singing on high and that I haven't always had peace or comfort.. Actually it's probably the opposite. Most of the time-things don't go according to plan and I'm left all alone on my knees. PRAYING that I can make it through the day.
It's different because now that I'm not a little girl anymore, (I haven't been for quite some time) I can't go running to my mom or dad with every single problem I have (Not that I did that much anyways). Now I am the mom and I HAVE to be there for her. I can't show my weakness as much because I need to be strong for Olivia. The only people who I can truly confide in is the Lord, my husband and myself and I'm finding that strength inside me. Which is what I'm referencing by most spiritual because I'm growing in that regard. I'm becoming more spiritually reliant and independent then I ever have. (Which is saying a lot because I've always tried to be obedient and do what's right.)
In fact there have been many days where I could mistake my spirituality and strength for being stronger then, then what it is now. Maybe in ways I was, but this a new chapter in my life. There have been days in my past the veil has felt so thin and the spirit so predominate that I thought my heart would burst out of my chest. That hasn't happened and for a while I questioned my worthiness and my faith, but I'm learning that spirituality isn't always defined that way.
I'm realizing that sometimes to grow spiritually it's doing what you know is right DESPITE what you may or may not feel.
Because faith is believing when you can't see the outcome. Faith is acting and believing everything is going to be alright even though you don't know how or why it will. It's turning the other cheek even though you might not want to.
Most days are just like giving birth. Super hard even painful, but very worth while and rewarding. Going along those same lines just like contractions there is real purpose and intention within them. It's to PUSH me! To push me to increase my faith and rely on the Lord more.
A lot of days I'm sleep deprived. A lot of days I don't get to go the gym. A lot of days I have to get up and go to work. A lot of days I don't get to see my husband and the days that I do sometimes I loose my cool. Some days Olivia is fussy and most days despite my good intentions I don't have control over the outside factors around me, but I have no other choice but to keep going and I want to.
You see, maybe being a parent isn't the hardest thing in the world, but this is all very new to me. I'm not use to catering to anyone else 24/7. Just myself and occasionally James. It's different. While I feel I'm a very kind, giving, and generous person. I'm not use to someone taking and taking and taking from me-even if it's just milk, time, and sleep. It can drain and deplete a person and yes I do feel exhausted most days! That being said, I continue to chug on.
Thats why my understanding of the Savior and his relationship with me is expanding. I understand more clearly why others say becoming a parent is the most spiritual experience you'll ever have and that's because to put it simply..................................... It IS!
I've finally got a taste of how much sacrifice and love is given to our children and how he must feel towards us.
I'm so grateful for the opportunity for my limits (and my patience) to be pushed. Sure, I'd rather be comfortable. But since I'm not quite there yet, I might as well look for the positive in the situation. If I'm not comfortable it's because I'm learning and It brings me closer to him and to be just a tiny bit more like him. It gives me something to work, grow and aspire to.
I know that this life is a test and we are meant to be tried(And we will), but if we endure it well and continue with faith we will be blessed.
This I know because I have seen it in my life. Blessing after blessing after blessing. Livi is proof of that. Because he blessed me with her.
Thank you Lord for not giving up on me after countless mistakes and for teaching me. Thank you for allowing me to be a parent and stretching me so that I can grow. What a gift that truly is.
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