A new understanding.

We've all heard the phrase " in one ear and out the other " right?

I've been told becoming a parent makes you a better person I don't know how many times, and every time I heard that phrase I truly thought I knew what they meant. I mean its not rocket science. The terminology is fairly simple to grasp.. And yet the perplexity behind it is so much deeper then just a few minor words.

I feel like I'm finally understanding that statement so much better now as I feel I really am being refined and fine tuned in the process.

Which by the way- really is a process. There are several emotions and steps to go through.

For me I think the first emotion I felt before I even thought about conception was curiosity. What would it be like for me. I always DREAMED about being a mother and I always wondered why so many people would share their horror stories with me about child birth, or their baby not sleeping through the night, post partom , or anything else that seemed remotely negative. I mean I knew it had it's moments and that everything wasn't going to be peachy every day, but the pros to me always have outweighed the cons.  Which I'm sure in their defense they do to those people too.

Then when I got pregnant.. it was complete shock. I felt surreal. First of all it didn't take very long for me. and I'm not saying that to brag or anything because I know many where it takes a while for it to happen. I actually expected I would fall into that category myself.  Thats one of the many reasons it was hard to believe. Everything changed in the blink of a eye and it felt too good to be true.

Cloud 9 for several weeks....Then of course my morning sickness kicked in and a range of emotions came about . Mostly being miserable, fear and a lot of uncertainty. (" What did I get myself into?")

A range of events are blurred all together, even now it's hard to remember everything I have felt. I do remember getting deeply depressed when month 3 came and morning sickness was still fully intact maybe even on the uproar.

It wasn't until about week 22 that things really changed for me.  This was a  happy time. Finding out the gender, first movement, starting to buy baby things- complete and utter excitement, feeling really good.

Now in the third trimester things are progressing - Im getting bigger, less attractive, baby equipmemt has been set up , baby showers been thrown. Things are starting to become real now. Fears of insecurity and doubts of if Ill be good enough over power the greater part of the day.

And well.. Obviously I haven't completed the task at hand yet, but I'm finally understanding some of those comments (good and bad) about parenthood.

If anyone has shared horror story with me, Ill be honest, it did just that. It terrified me, but I've realized its in good spirit. I think I've always known that, just more so now.  For one-becoming a parent is one of those life moments that you will never forget. It's memorable and people want to share that- especially the tips that got them through the hard times! They are just trying to prepare me for what may ( or may not ) happen. They are in no means trying to discourage. (Even though that's what can happen). After hearing hundreds of comments and advice I've learned to take in all that I can get as it might be useful, but I also have learned to just because it happened to someone else-doesn't mean that its going to be MY fate. We all have different journeys.

The second thing Im  REALLY coming to terms with is... There really is so much work, worry, sacrifice,tears, sweat, and even quite a bit of blood that is given in order for these sacred precious little humans to get here. I haven't even gone into labor yet, and I still can't fathom all the things that my body has endured to bring to pass a person into this world. It's really gritty process in all actuality.

And for me there is purpose for it all. It truly is to make us better people. I've always been a woman of hope, happiness, and finding inner strength within. Having a child though changes everything. It's one thing to care for and provide for yourself, but it's another thing to try and provide for another. That is a HUGE responsibility and yes.. Ill say it -challenge. I use to get so mad when people would say that motherhood was challenging, but it is, and it's supposed to be. But that doesn't mean for one second that it's bad. Running a marathon is challenging and tough, but is it bad? Of course not! It's a wonderful accomplishment and takes great endurance from the runner. When people say challenge they mean just that. That its hard, but hard and bad are two different things.. and as Ive said in the past. I CAN do hard things!

I'm realizing going into the unknown and dark places are not always what you would expect. They are not bad nor do they have to be scary. We can replace our fear with faith. Those dark moments are teaching opportunities for us. It's supposed to be difficult because it helps us become more like Christ. Its supposed to help us become more selfless, more compassionate, more responsible, more patient, and long suffering.

I really thought that I had a lot of faith before I got pregnant. I'm  here to tell you that.. I had faith, but not as much as I thought I did. I really let the adversary for a while wreak havoc on my heart. I listened and believed and it caused me a great deal of pain.

It wasn't until Ive recently just let go of my fears and just quietly said "okay, I don't know how this is going to work out, but I have faith that it will"that I've been able to gain peace and comfort.

I've grown insurmountably and I have to say it's because of the God grace of letting me become a Mom. I'm a new person. A new Kira, with a new understanding.  :)