Misfortunes and Minor Victories

No more Tanning!

James Bday

Porch Flowers

Nexus 7

Sorry the pics aren't in any real order. Lately I haven't had the time to blog until now, and even today it's gonna be short.

Misfortunes

About two months ago, I got pregnant shortly after(April 14th) miscarried. As you can imagine, I was devastated. Being a mother has been a dream of mine since as long as I can remember. It still is. For lack of time, I won't go into the series of emotions and feelings I've gone through. (I might update this later if I see the need/It's already documented in my journal)

After that happened, I scheduled an appointment to see a Obgyn. We discussed the miscarriage, and how nothing I did was wrong or caused this, and that this happens to more women then is often talked about. Some even miscarry, and weren't aware.  This did give me some comfort. We then discussed other matters when trying to conceive again, and that's when we discussed my family history.

As most of you know (if not everyone). My dad had Myotonic Dystrophy. He died at age 47, when I was 16 years old. My brother KC developed this disease,  and after speaking to the doctor about this he thought it would be a good idea to go to genetic counselor.

When it rains, it pours. I always knew that I would have to deal with watching the health of my family decline, but I never thought that *I* might be at risk or that my children might be. I have NEVER shown any symptoms and so I therefore thought I didn't inherit it. (and maybe I haven't)It never phased my mind. 

After talking to my husband James, we decided that getting tested was in our best interest. After making the decision, then came the doubts, fears, and reservations. I knew I needed to support my husband, and I couldn't make this choice on my own. The outcome would effect him too, and I know to this day that Heavenly Father wants me to support him, and that he wants us to be a united front and team.

I started my new job, and pushed forward with the little strength that I had left. It felt like my plans, hopes, and expectations for my life were slipping through my fingers. I felt as though I would never be a mom, and that maybe someday my health would fade away too, leaving me crippled and debilitated. Sometimes the future still feels pretty bleak. There is so much that we just don't know in life, and I'm sure for good reason. It doesn't make it easier though.

Mercies

Through it all though, I have been able to lift my head and see a glimpse of Light and God's love and mercy. The feeling hasn't always been super strong, but I think that's because my heart is still so bruised broken. The feeling, while faint, still comes....

My Job, while new and somewhat scary, I just know will bless our family. I started learning how to use wordpress and I'm going to be make a website. You can see what I have done right now just type
kmorris.bluehoststaff.com/word
This new position pays more, and when I get more comfortable with it-It will be less stressful then my previous one. I already enjoy my supervisor and I know that the people I met in training I was supposed to meet. It's a good group, and I see myself doing well and enjoying it.

My cats. When James would leave for school, Kula would bundle himself up in my lap and snuggle me. He ALWAYS has been a affectionate kitty, but I know that he could sense something was wrong and he would even follow me into the bathroom. Having James be so busy has always been hard on me, but even more so when this happened, it was a huge blessing to have him there.  I know it sounds silly, but he's my baby. He's apart of my family and I love him so much.

It's spring and being able to enjoy the outdoors and nature has brightened my spirit. James and I just planted flowers in our yard, and where I work the scenery is breath taking. The bright spring colors, the smells, and the beauty has really helped me to stay motivated and get up and live my life. I read this scripture today: D&C 59: 18 Yea, al things which come of the earth, in the season thereof are made for the benefit and the use of man, both to please the eye and to gladden the heart; 19 yea, for food and for raiment, for taste and for smell, to strengthen the body and to enlive the soul.

I've been able to run again. When I was TTC, and when I got pregnant, I quit running. I've lost a lot of stamina, but I'm gaining it back slowly. This has helped me stay focused. As I have mentioned I have loved being in nature, and I've been able to enjoy it again! (Something I thought I was going to miss out on) It's helped me to have a goal, and to work towards it to reach it. I feel happiness when pushing new limits and when I feel I have purpose. I actually feel the spirit a lot when I run. I can hear my own thoughts, and have time to think. My prayers are more clear and concise after I've run, and it's easier to feel his presence.

Support from my friends and family. I'm a open book, and when I'm sad. It's apparent. I also can't keep to myself. I'm very expressive, and I've sought counsel with the Bishop and with many close friends. I've also been able to grow closer to my ward family. The Bishop just got called in not to long ago and he has helped me tremendously. I've had others who have texted me and checked up on. Some whom have brought me cupcakes, and others who have told me inspirational stories. They have been so gentle and kind to me.

Talking to my genetic counselor. When I called to make an appointment, I had several questions. She was the nicest medical person I have ever spoken with.  She recommended I found out which type my brother was to cut down on costs of doing all the testing. She was soo willing to address all my concerns and took the time to understand me. She said that the longer I go with out symptoms the more likely I am that I won't have myotonic dystrophy. She said there is a 50/50 chance that I am. She said that while that fraction doesn't sound good. It means that the chance of me having it are equal to me having the chance that I don't, and she said that if I do have it, my repeats could be much lower then that of my brothers, or my fathers. Meaning that I may have a much milder case later on in life. She also mentioned that if my repeats are lower, that my chances of passing it down to my children are not as likely and that if I did pass it on, my kids repeats would be like mine. The repeats wouldn't jump up drastically and that they would have a much milder form. She also reminded me that myotonic dystrophy is a adult thing. She listed examples of people she's tested who's children were fine. She said that might be the case for me. She said she didn't have a crystal ball, but there is lots of hope and no reason to panic.

James bought me a nexus 7. He ran outside on the river trail with me on Mothers Day. Something I've been begging him to do for the last year now. He's cancelled guys night several weeks in a row. Hes hugged me, and whispered "I love you" in my ear, he's been wonderful. He's been my rock and related scripture and other sacred things to my mind. I feel our marriage blossoming like it never has before. I feel his support and his love and my trust and admiration grows for him.

This song reminds me of James:


I'm learning again to trust and have faith. I know God has a plan for me, and I do see him working within my life. I'm starting to feel hopeful again. Maybe this was just a small trial I had to endure to grow. Maybe in a few months down the road, Ill be pregnant with a healthy baby. I don't know, but I know whatever happens will be alright. I know that because I'm alright now. I'm being taken care of now, and hell take care of me through it all.  I'm picking myself up and dusting myself off. Nothing can break my spirit.