Becoming my own

I get somewhat insecure when it comes to my skill set in writing.I could make a huuuuge list of the reasons why, but my intention is not to ramble on about my feelings of inferiority- Those will go away with time. Rather the purpose is to give a brief background on literature. *MY* literature and my educational/growing experiences thus far.

Before I got married, much like most of us, I was young and naive. I mean I was 19 for goodness sakes! I was a little too preoccupied and swooped up in trivial matters to really give a darn to want to research, or read about anything. Yes-I read books, but  mostly only for entertainment purposes. I was a very trusting,which I know now can be dangerous given the right circumstances. None the less I had zero desire to really examine my life.  I was completely oblivious. I thought there was a no reason to be inquisitive. I guess I figured I had all the time in the world and I could figure it out later.  It wasn't that I lacked enthusiasm or drive it was just I was very happy and content with life as it was. I was carefree!

I can proudly annouce that my perspective has changed. Over the last 5 or so years I have a insatiable appetite to grasp and understand my surroundings. Learning feeds my curiosity and leaves me feeling satisfied.  I have learned SO much by studying (in my own ways), that I have  gained lots of insight, and I have thoughts that I often want to express and SHARE.

Sometimes though,due to my own apprehension I delay saying anything at all.I fear that if I speak my mind that others will discredit me for lack of education, still see that same ignorant girl I use to be, or that I'm just a by product of a group or organization one may think I consent to. That's just not true. I want to be known as a individual.

I also am hesitant because  I also feel I can come off as a little too preachy, cheesy, simple, OR worse -you don't know what the heck I am even trying to say. I'm trying harder to avoid that. I want to learn how to vocalize my feelings with out sounding condescending, or with out putting anyone to sleep. I know that comes with a lot practice and critique and I'm willing to put myself out there and I want to.

It's not that I want to be in the spotlight or anything, It's just I'd really like to articulate my feelings with out so many getting lost in translation. One of my biggest frustrations is when someone doesn't understand me.

Religion,health,psychology, philosophy, and politics  among many other subjects are something that I actively study and search for answers. I love to watch documentaries, I love to read self help books, I love Wikipedia, I love the dictionary, and I love contributing voicing my own interpretations of how I see things.Writing opens the door for a dialogue to be had, even if the door only swings one way, the door is still open.

I just know I have a lot of potential to improve- Just like anyone really. My blog is like my journal and one day, years from now I hope I can look back and really envision what I was trying to portray then. Like maybe my past can actually help my future or even someone else.

In fact  I'd love to help or inspire someone!  If you know anything about the  personality color code test, which I have taken numerous times. -You will also know the characteristics each color represents.  It  then wouldn't surprise you  to find that I am almost 50 percent blue (caring) and 50 percent yellow (fun loving). So conversation and communication is so important to me. I love to hear what people have to say and seeing who they are. I care deeply about people. I also in turn have a very charismatic personality and love to socialize.

When I was younger I thought about being a therapist of some sort. I loved Mrs Taylors Psychology class in high school, and learning about human behavior and the functions and science behind the brain astounded me.  Time passed though and I realized I was the type of person who cared SO much that I would take my patients concerns home with me and my life would be full of constant concern and worry. It would break me.  I realized that I could help others but not in that type of pressured setting. I believe in facing fears but I also believe that wisdom means demonstrating caution, and I've analyzed this choice enough to know it's not right for me.

I then contemplated about being a public speaker I still to this day play around with idea in my head. Writing is very therapeutic for me, and speaking comes much more naturally. I actually like bearing my testimony in church, and I wish there were more opportunities where I could openly just express the things that touch me.

and then I realized that no one is stopping me. I may/or may not be a public speaker or a author of a famous book but I am certainly the creator of where I'm going in life. I choose my own destiny. I can write my feelings and thoughts and while some can knock them down, they can't take them away.  They are my own.*I* am my own.  It can be frightening, but also very exhilarating becuase I am the one that's gets to better compose my distinction among those around me.



I don't know what my career path will be, whether that be a business woman,  a stay at home mom, or possibly Ill do it all =) Ignorance can be bliss-yes, but I truly believe that knowledge has a infinite amount power! I believe that having the facts in front of me are the stepping stones to my transcendent intellectual excursion.