Finding inner strength

When I was younger I experienced a lot of hardship. I believe some were inherited, some where put upon me by others, and yet  much of my struggle was because of my lack of knowledge and my own actions.

During these times, I have ALWAYS had someone to lean on and to go to. That's probably why I am so open and trusting of others. Most of my life I've had people who have hurt me yes, but I've always had someone to put me back together and make it all better.

These same people remain to be in my life, and I love them dearly. I would never criticize anything they have ever done. I really do believe with all my heart if they hadn't been there to shelter and protect me (especially as a child) my life would be very different. I may not be as loving, trusting or as open as I have been able to. Instead I suspect I would live life as a sceptic and in fear. I've lived a life with fear-but never a fear of people and I can't imagine how painful that would be.

I feel the good presence the world brings, I see beauty, and I stretch out my hand to try and give back that all has given me. Surely I have been blessed.

There is something that I have discovered through my journey however. A strength that has not always been taught to me, or shown to me. A different type of love, and a different type of support. the love my Savior has shown me. He's always given me grace, now He's given me awareness.

During the development of adulthood I struggled. I couldn't always rely others to get me through the questions and doubts I had about myself. I constantly needed compliments to feel good of my self worth, and while I always searched for being uplifted and not everyone could understand my needs nor supply them to me. They couldn't know. Most of the things that I wanted to acquire, I had already-I just didn't see it. I was blind sighted by my own doubts and worries.

While I wish I could say this only lasted a short period-it went on for several years during and especially after high school. I would often gain a fake self esteem by the image that others saw me as, but if I was ever given any type of correction of any kind my world would come crashing down. I couldn't take any SORT of helpful criticism, because it deeply offended my heart. I had no sense of who I was.

I was alone, but I realize now that I needed to be.  To solve the real problem- I needed to look inside myself, dig deep, and find myself and I'm proud to say with much work and diligence -I have. In order to do that it had to be on my own. That's been the theme over the last year that I keep running into. Self reliance.

Ever heard of the quote: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man how to fish and he can feed himself for life" ?

I have a deeper appreciation for that quote now. I was never really alone, but I did feel like I was. Some of the questions I had were not the right questions, and some were withheld from me until I could fully grasp it. I'm understanding now that yes God does work in mysterious ways, but he is always there for us.

If I am having a emotional time, it's easier to call up a friend and vent. I do that all the time, there is NOTHING wrong with that, but there will always be times when we will feel alone, feel judged, or misunderstood. That will never go away fully. I'm learning that we can not change the world, just ourselves and through prayer and  a lot work on our side The Lord will assist us even if its not how you originally thought.

Often times It's great to be able to have a husband/mom/friend who can listen and offer moral support I will NEVER devalue that kind of blessing, But I'm finding that even though I do have a knight in shining armor who is willing to save, protect, and fight for my honor. I'd rather to be the girl who can not only pick and choose her own battles but defend herself.