Low Self Esteem

At a very young age I was teased a lot. In 7th grade is when I officially became "not cool". I was not very pretty--I had a funky hair cut, and not much money to buy the clothes I wanted. At one point I even was told I was a lesbian. (Which obviously is not true) The kids were cruel, and more often then not I came home in tears.

As a girl who so desperately wanted to have friends and be liked you learn very quickly that the world expects a lot of you.

In high school, I grew my hair out-bleached it even,  got better clothes, and the kids who once ridiculed me, didn't seem to mind me so much any more, and I had friends, and that made me happy.

Then my dad died, and I was shipped off to another school to make new impressions and new friends. This school was even harder. It had more students, harder classes, and the people had more money and things to do.

I recall  getting school pictures and I was horrified. Except this time around, the kids were not critical of me, *I* was the one pointing the finger.  What I remember seeing in the photo was a crooked tooth. It was the end of my world! Everyone had pretty beautiful STRAIGHT teeth.  It sounds petty and silly, but this RUINED me. I spent houuuurs crying, and thinking I would never get married becuase I was not good enough, and I just couldn't get braces becuase that was even worse! (or so I thought)

Years passed, and mysteriously enough... I did in fact get married (even though I was not perfect), and my worries dissipated about my teeth. I thought I was done feeling bad about myself, That the monster had ran away, but I was wrong. The symptom was cured, but not the problem.

Shortly after the time I got married, I went on birth control.  I gained some weight, and I once again was brought to knees in humility that I was in fact less than perfect and unattractive. This only bothered me for a few weeks, before I decided I was going to do something about it. I stopped eating fast food, started eating breakfast, and started working out! I lost the weight I gained and I was SUPER HAPPY with myself. I don't know when, but the thought entered my mind that I would be even more happy if I lost more weight---and I did it, and then the thought entered my mind again... If I lost more... I would feel even better.. and I did.  This happened until I had lost over 30 lbs and weighed 126.(Which is not healthy for a 5'10 girl) I was not eating  much and exercising consumed me. The thing that made me super happy, then destroyed me. I lost connection with friends and family. I was too afraid they would host a party, and I gain a pound by the food served. I was afraid what my friends would think of my new body. I was afraid they wouldn't understand me. I  cut off all communication and suffered silently for months, and not just from loneliness or low self esteem but also from huuuuuge anxiety spells living in the world of "what if". This was probably the hardest thing in my life. (Even harder then when my Dad passed away)

I remember one day in the bathroom stall crying. I remember thinking I had had enough, and I wanted out. I remember begging Heavenly Father to help me, and in the stall of the bathroom I heard a voice. A verbal confirmation. The voice said "You will not have this problem forever. One day you will not worry about this anymore".

My worries and fears did not dissipate like it had when I worried about my teeth though. They were still there, and the nightmare I was living in, was still very much REAL.

Nothing changed, except for that  I had a tunnel of hope in sight. The hope guided me through many hard and mental trials I was facing. The first thing and probably most important I learned was that I needed to Trust the Lord. I HAD to stop worrying what would happen and trust everything would be okay. I took that leap of faith by FIRST reaching out towards others.  I first needed a good support system. Once that had been completed, I took another step of faith, and started eating more, and thats how it happened. Line upon line, precept on precept... I gained weight and strength and I gradually got better, but yet again... I only cured the symptom not the problem

Its been over a year since this happened and I am healthy and strong and happy, but I still struggle a lot of with the way I feel about myself. I still worry about how much I weigh, about growing my hair, about being the perfect wife, future mother, sister, and daughter... and I still suffer from anxiety attacks !

I am tired of it, and Heavenly Father taught me just something today.... To pray for the right things in my prayers. I can ask for help for a solution to a symptom and he WILL help me, *OR*I can I ask for comfort and fix the actual problem.I asked for that today. I asked to accept myself as I am. I realize I will never be perfect-ever, but with the Savior, one day I can be....

Today I am going to let go of my hurt and pain. Today is the day, I say its okay that I weigh _____ lbs. That doesn't mean I have to stop trying... its the exact opposite. I have to try my hardest and when I don't quite make it... He will make up the difference. That is what the Atonement was for. (Not just for our sins)

I walk with stride and much gratitude for my Savior who helped me get through a terrible time in my life. He taught me valuable lessons in life that I never would have learned if I had not trusted in him, If any of you face these same problems, I am not going to lie to you, Its hard- but there are things that can help it, and it can actually get better. It may never go away completley. This is a battle I may have to deal with my whole life, but it can be a blessing. As you can see... It transformed my life!

Happy Easter Everyone!